I ate 5 cookies

So, I realized that things would have to be flexible when I started at PS7 the other night. Part of my job for a little while will be to taste a lot of this food so I know what it's like (unFREAKINGbelievable!!!!) so I can sell it. Also, I can't run at least 2 days of this week (today and tomorrow) because I have to be at work at 10 which means leaving at 9 and getting ready at 8 (and I am NOT waking up at 5:30 to work out then shower). So I'm a little flexible with this routine. Also, the desserts at work are so beautiful but I haven't tried any. So I have been craving chocolate cookies for days and knowing that I was in a flexible mindset (and that I've been pretty good for a week) I thought "why the hell not" and asked Frank if he would make any chocolate chip cookies.
which he did
and they were good.

Now, he made a MOUNTAIN of them and I ate 5. Not exactly a spartan number, but I did stop when I was full rather than continue to enjoy the ooey-gooeyness. So I guess that's something.

Also they had me try a burger at work today that had to be the tastiest thing on the planet! Smoked gouda, truffle butter and pesto with sopressata on a house-ground burger and fresh made (in house) bun. it was just dripping. so insanity inducing flavorful!! Also, did not eat the whole thing.

This will all pass by the end of the week. Also, I should be able to run as of wednesday (not sunday tho). It will all work out.

Church was so beautiful yesterday. Shana gave this sermon about finding a sense of purpose that moved me profoundly. Here are the quotes that I jotted down while she spoke:
--live the life you have, not the better one you're holding out for
--want what you have, do what you can, and be who you are
--trust in the capacity of your life to matter
--our purpose, for god's sake, is to increase the abundance of life in this world
--Be yourself, everyone else is taken (oscar wilde)
--don't speak unless you can improve the silence (quaker saying)
--be your most expansive and generous self

also, there was the singing for the congregation that felt so powerful and good. I told Lisa that I was singing "FOR GOOD" for her, and when I looked at her to sing "but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you" I had to look away immediately because she was crying and I felt my voice start to go.

So, I like my job (a lot), I like being in DC (A LOT!!), I like my church (from the core of my soul), I like my friends (as important to my existence as water), I like my cat and my little apartment inside a house (with it's quiet backyard full of trees and crickets), I like not feeling crazy...
it's all pretty good
and then there's this dark.
And I tell myself that's ok, that I'm coming off of a lot, that it will take awhile to fully let go. I miss sex, though. I really do. It's been 4 weeks and I have no reason to think I will be having sex any time soon (as I don't feel like taking advantage of christian slaterclaus or any of the other men who are asking me out that aren't daniel craig).

Also, I think the days I don't run and eat sugar make it worse. Maybe that will be a reason not to fall off the wagon. I told myself I wouldn't eat any dessert tomorrow (unless it's at the restaurant). In spite of the giant pile of cookies.

Iwon't do it because I don't like how depressed I feel right now, and I can't help thinking the sugar has something to do with that.

now I just have to remember I said that.