I ate 5 cookies

So, I realized that things would have to be flexible when I started at PS7 the other night. Part of my job for a little while will be to taste a lot of this food so I know what it's like (unFREAKINGbelievable!!!!) so I can sell it. Also, I can't run at least 2 days of this week (today and tomorrow) because I have to be at work at 10 which means leaving at 9 and getting ready at 8 (and I am NOT waking up at 5:30 to work out then shower). So I'm a little flexible with this routine. Also, the desserts at work are so beautiful but I haven't tried any. So I have been craving chocolate cookies for days and knowing that I was in a flexible mindset (and that I've been pretty good for a week) I thought "why the hell not" and asked Frank if he would make any chocolate chip cookies.
which he did
and they were good.

Now, he made a MOUNTAIN of them and I ate 5. Not exactly a spartan number, but I did stop when I was full rather than continue to enjoy the ooey-gooeyness. So I guess that's something.

Also they had me try a burger at work today that had to be the tastiest thing on the planet! Smoked gouda, truffle butter and pesto with sopressata on a house-ground burger and fresh made (in house) bun. it was just dripping. so insanity inducing flavorful!! Also, did not eat the whole thing.

This will all pass by the end of the week. Also, I should be able to run as of wednesday (not sunday tho). It will all work out.

Church was so beautiful yesterday. Shana gave this sermon about finding a sense of purpose that moved me profoundly. Here are the quotes that I jotted down while she spoke:
--live the life you have, not the better one you're holding out for
--want what you have, do what you can, and be who you are
--trust in the capacity of your life to matter
--our purpose, for god's sake, is to increase the abundance of life in this world
--Be yourself, everyone else is taken (oscar wilde)
--don't speak unless you can improve the silence (quaker saying)
--be your most expansive and generous self

also, there was the singing for the congregation that felt so powerful and good. I told Lisa that I was singing "FOR GOOD" for her, and when I looked at her to sing "but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you" I had to look away immediately because she was crying and I felt my voice start to go.

So, I like my job (a lot), I like being in DC (A LOT!!), I like my church (from the core of my soul), I like my friends (as important to my existence as water), I like my cat and my little apartment inside a house (with it's quiet backyard full of trees and crickets), I like not feeling crazy...
it's all pretty good
and then there's this dark.
And I tell myself that's ok, that I'm coming off of a lot, that it will take awhile to fully let go. I miss sex, though. I really do. It's been 4 weeks and I have no reason to think I will be having sex any time soon (as I don't feel like taking advantage of christian slaterclaus or any of the other men who are asking me out that aren't daniel craig).

Also, I think the days I don't run and eat sugar make it worse. Maybe that will be a reason not to fall off the wagon. I told myself I wouldn't eat any dessert tomorrow (unless it's at the restaurant). In spite of the giant pile of cookies.

Iwon't do it because I don't like how depressed I feel right now, and I can't help thinking the sugar has something to do with that.

now I just have to remember I said that.

love. my. JOB!!

so I am really tired and have to be up in 6 hours to sing at church but I need to say that work is great. I didn't eat terribly today, but I didn't eat great... part of this new job is trying all this AMAZING AMAZING food that I will have to be familiar with in order to sell, so there was a lot of that.

that is all for now.

I GOTTA JOB!!!!!!!!!!!

I was offerred a position today at PS7 (http://www.ps7restaurant.com/) and I accepted. It is exactly what I think I want: great food, fun people, elegant, hip, trendy, busy. I liked the manager, I liked how he pitched the place. I start tomorrow.

So that's part of one of the things on my list to check off: good job at a place I like working (remains to be seen if I will in fact like it and whether it will help me check off the other crucial thing: get my finances under control).

I ran for 30 minutes and had a lot more energy than I did at the start of the week (thank you peanut butter last night). I did 4 strength training exercises (3 legs, 1 abs) and my full stretch/yoga routine.

Breakfast was cereal and soy milk (290), Lunch was rice and spinach (580), the rest of the night is hazy: I had a glass of champagne to celebrate the job, a few bites of food at the belgian restaurant then Lisa and I stopped at California Tortilla before the movie and I had a carnitas quesadilla. according to their website the steak quesadilla is 730 calories so we'll go with that. that puts me at 1600 for the known calories *sigh* also I had a handful of peanut m&ms at the movies. It was all I wanted, just a few bites of something sweet rather than the whole smash.

I feel good about this week so far. I feel like I'm completely on the right track (aside from texts from retardo exboyfriend).

I'm tired too.
more tomorrow

choir choir choir choir!!

So among the many and varied things I did today (like work out, look for a job, walk all over the city looking for a job, talk to friends) my favorite was going back for my first choir night at All Souls. I was there early (super early, actually, but I spent about 45 minutes on the phone w/ Alice, so I was only in the rehearsal room about a half hour early). I had told Angela I was coming back but she never mentioned it to John, the choir director, so he was surprised and excited and just kept saying over and over "I'm speechless! My jaw is on the floor!" Then he gave me a hug, as did the soloist who was with him (a beautiful young woman named Alicia who I remember from before). Then he took a few breaths and said "actually, can I put you on the spot? Would you be willing to sing a solo this weekend?"
but of course!

So I'm singing the Idina Menzel part in a choral arrangement of FOR GOOD from WICKED. Then old friends started trickling in (I thought I would cry when I saw Angela!!) and there were a lot of hugs and then we started singing. It was wonderful. This choir moves fast, John is loving and incredibly specific and a little harsh about what he wants. It's challenging and beautiful and everyone is so happy to be there. Angel and I were immediately back to our old ways where we would make each other crack up and lose our place. So happy.
Of course, that's when I noticed I had a text from Rob. I will just repeat it in it's entirety for no particular reason:
"My cabin is now very echo-y. But suppose not actually MY cabin anymore. This may sound like small talk but I do want to know, how are you?"
I started to write about being in choir practise, but then I didn't want him to know about my life so I wrote instead "I go back and forth. Enjoying life then deeply sad." If I'd thought about it for a minute I would have written "recovering" but I sent it too fast. Then I felt sad, like I'd just fallen off the Rob cliff. And I know everyone will have something to say about keeping him away. I don't have any answers. I don't know what to do or what I feel. I just don't know. I'm sorry I don't know how to be healthy about this yet.

I did run for 30 minutes today and then did the full stretch and 4 strength training exercises (2 arms 2 abs). I went to many restaurants in the Gallery Place section of town. RASIKA was snotty; asked me what shifts I wanted then when I said I would prefer nights said "oh we want people who will work both days and nights" so i said "oh, I'm free to do both" they were like "no, thanks. you should apply at our cleveland park restaurant they're only open at night" and I said "but I'm free to do days" and they said "yes, but you were honest with us so go there instead."
fiii-iine, bitches.
Then I went to POSTE who sort of, also, snottily said I could come back next week, that managers didn't have time on a thursday to think about these things (in their empty restaurant). ZAYTINYA was much more welcoming. I filled out an application and answered another one of those sort of fun restaurant tests (name 3 single malt scotches aside from the "glen"s). Then went to PS7 and dropped off the resume and spoke to one of the managers who was very interested in me. Then I went to see my friend Chip, who manages LUCKY STRIKE. He's offered me a job as well, but it seems like HOOTERS w/ bowling and he understands it's not exactly what I am hoping to do (really just don't need to work till 3am at this stage in my life).
When I was going to All Souls Ibumped into the manager from ADOUR (who interviewed me yesterday)(the one who looks like a young, hip Obama). We smiled and shook hands and talked for a bit. He said the general manager should be calling me soon.
how soon?????? says the person w/ rent looming.

in terms of food:
breakfast: apple, cereal w/ soy milk 390
lunch: amy's mexican organic casserole (w/ some additions) 630
snack: luna bar 180
dinner: ensure shake 350
snack: apple 100
that would've left me at 1750 but my stomach was growling when I got home so I had 2 tablespoons of peanut butter 190
so I'm at 1940 for the day. More than I'd like, but I was worried about the growling stomach at bedtime (I found this summer that going to bed hungry made getting up and running near impossible).

so, still looking for work.
still surrounded by a beautiful community and friends
still plagued by the ex (and unclear and full of longing)
still trying to lose weight and be healthy

but tonight on top of the trying to find work, trying to find sanity, laughing with friends, avoiding men who ask me out (may have a "date" monday even though I tried really hard to get it to be something else)
on top of all that
tonight
I
SANG!!!!!
xoxo
love
peace

I love when Honeycrisp apples are in season! *

*alternate entry title: I got soy milk at the grocery store b/c I KNEW that none of the men I live with will drink THAT!

So here we are at the end of day three of the october 21st project and I am happy to report I'm totally on track w/ food and exercise. In fact let me get that out of the way...

Tuesday Sept. 22

breakfast: cereal and milk 320 calories

lunch: rice w/ peanut butter 500 calories

snack: ensure shake 350 cal

dinner: unclear as I ate out but I just had a small salad and a hummus appetizer and herbal tea.

total: 1170 + dinner

also ran 30 minutes, did 4 strength training exercises and the full yoga stretch (minus floor ballet legs which I forgot)

Wednesday September 23

breakfast: apple 100 calories, cereal w/ soy milk 290 calories

lunch: ensure shake 350 cal

snack: 10 nuts (unclear calorie intake, let's call it 100 calories) then an atkins bar (surprisingly tasty) 220 calories, then later another apple 100 calories.

dinner: again, unclear as I ate out but I got a chicken salad sandwich (w/ bacon) and substituted salad for chips.

total: 1160 + sandwich

I did not work out this morning because I woke up very sore (I woke up sore yesterday and ignored it so when I woke up even MORE sore I thought I should pay attention today) but then I wound up walking over 3 miles all around town so that's something.

As for the rest of my life...

Still looking for a job. I went to Adour at the St. Regis for an interview today

http://www.adour-washingtondc.com/index.htm

I really liked the place (hard not to like a restaurant that's got a $7,000 bottle of wine on their menu and pays $9 an hour plus tips) and the manager. He seemed to be very interested in hiring me as well. The only catch is that the position is for a back waiter.

I would really really prefer to be a front waiter but... I don't know. We'll see what happens when the general manager brings me in.

Part of me would really like to work some place where serious money is spent (and the management staff is so nice) and part of me just wants to work some place trendy and fun and BUSY.

of course, ALL of me would much rather have a job in my field, but I'll work on that after I get something to pay the rent (October 1st approaches).

Last night I went to see

(preview: http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi3338469913/ ).

It was FABULOUS!!! scared the crap out of me, like most zombie movies do, but it was also reallllllly funny.

I was invited by Van to go see it and afterwards he took me out to dinner. Lisa and Jen emphatically agree that because we ate at Mei n Yu it was a date. I say that because I was clear it was not a date it was not a date.

Let me be clear: I am not interested in this guy. This is someone I dated a million years ago that still appears to be very interested in me. He is nice enough to keep some distance as he knows I just got out of a relationship and I'm kind of freaking BROKEN, but I can still feel his attraction radiating. So after awhile it started to feel nice to be desired so palpably. That was when I got really uncomfortable and said I thought we should be heading out.

Still, after a summer where the ONLY date I went on with my boyfriend was when we went to see UP (and he bought me some vitamin water or something) it was nice to see a guy drop $140 on a meal.

I'm just saying.

Speaking of the ex... He was fired yesterday. I sent him a text expressing my concern/sympathy and letting him know that I was there for him if he needed me to be. He thanked me, offered some details, and asked to call me later. I (hesitantly)(not that he would know as it was a freaking text) said ok. However, when he called I was at the movies and then dinner. I texted him saying I wasn't available but that I'd listen to his message and call him later. Which I did. Part of me melting when I heard his voice and part of me wanting to scream at the top of my lungs when his message ended "I really do hope you're doing well."

THE ONLY FUCKING THING WRONG WITH MY LIFE IS ENTIRELY YOUR FUCKING DOING!!!

I called him back but he was asleep. He sent me a bunch of texts today. I did not respond (well, except to one, when he said his boss seems to have changed his mind now that he's met the replacement captain and asked rob to stay, rob said no).

And Jen yelled at me tonight that I should not give him any sympathy or any room at all to continue smashing my life to pieces. I continue to wait for my heart to acknowledge the fact that it doesn't matter if I love him when being involved with him is horrible.

I'm going to go to bed. I'm so tired all I can think about is how much I miss him.

(though I suppose that's better than thinking of zombies).

Oh yeah! So I wrote Jaime a happy birthday note as I was NOT falling asleep last night while I thought of zombies, and he wrote me back saying thank you and mentioned that he's never understood why I go to see these movies when they freak me out so much (we saw the sequel to Danny Boyle's fantastic 28DAYS LATER and it was so awful awful AND gross and scary that I couldn't close my eyes that night. He started to kiss me and all I saw was zombies. So we turned on WILL AND GRACE for a few hours and slept with the lights on)(he really was just so wonderful in many ways). Anyway, I will share with y'all my response as a way to explain my "thing" about zombies:

here's the thing about zombie movies... nothing else makes me react that way so I'm sort of fascinated by something with that ability to scare me. Also, I've always loved stories about the end of civilization and how the survivors cope, regroup, thrive, etc. Plus, this movie is hilarious!

I do spend some time as I sit in the dark theater wondering why I decided this was a good idea. But I am also mystified that something can make my heart accelerate while I am sitting still.

28WEEKS LATER was different, that movie started off scary (riding the wave of the original film) but then just got gross and boring. It was what I think of most horror movies being: upsetting, gross, mindless and dull.

I was also talking to my mom not long ago and I mentioned that I think one of the reasons zombies interest me is how they are uncomplicated enimies. I don't believe in evil. I just don't. I think that everything that people do that is terrible and destructive is either the result of something terrible and destructive having been done to them or a chemical imbalance in their genetic makeup (or, most likely, a combination thereof). I see no examples of deliberate malice in nature (hurricanes, lions, cobras, fire... they're all just doing their job, it's not personal) so why would it exist in humans. I am absolutely certain that I could kill someone if I had to -- to protect myself or a loved one -- but I would always feel some guilt (you remember how I cried when I found out they'd hung Saddam Hussein?). With zombies, it's just an opponent to be destroyed not someone with a mate and children to take care of.just a thought.or two.

getting started

So I have pretty much nothing certain in my life at the moment. I just moved but I'm staying in a room at a friend's house until I can get my own place; I just broke up with my boyfriend (though he thinks we are on a break and might get back together, and I'm not willing to contest that 100%); I just got out of grad school and do not have a job in my field (or a job of any kind).
I have my cat, my friends, my family, my church (All Souls UU), and my brain. Not exactly a small arsenal, but I really need to find a job in a hurry!

I also just spent perhaps the crappiest summer of my life being egregiously neglected by sed former boyfriend and I don't exactly look the way I used to/want to. So I came up with a list of things that I wanted to accomplish by october 21st. One month from the day I started (yesterday). By October 21st I will:

1. lose 10 pounds
2. have a good waitressing job and have $ under control
3. get my website up and running
4. have business cards
5. get applications in to TCG schools who are looking for professors
6. get some sort of theater gig in DC
7. find a good apartment for november 1st
8. get my portfolio dvd and resume to all theaters and schools in the DC area
9. sleep with at least one man I'm really attracted to
10. spend lots of time with friends and family
11. spend lots of time at All Souls (join choir)
12. find a volunteer activity (though that may be the choir)

I think I have been doing well on most of these counts. My priority this week is simply finding a job. I sent out 35 resumes this past weekend and had an interview yesterday and another one tomorrow. Last night Jen McDivitt and I went out for drinks at Zaytinya and I thought very clearly "I want to work someplace hip and busy like this". None of the places that have called me seem especially hip or busy (Mio and Adour). But I will persevere. I will also stop by Zaytinya and Central today to drop off resumes in person and say hello to the management. And I'm calling the general manager at Nora.

I will start singing with the choir on thursday and then Angela and I are going out for drinks afterwards. So that hits both friends and All Souls. Again, last night I had a friggin BLAST with Jen and last week I hung out with Lisa several days and went out to Ikea with Seth. I also went to Church on sunday for the first time in 3 years (I mean, I've been to church in the last 3 years, I just didn't like it much and rarely went back).

I keep looking around this city and thinking "this is home!" and I'm sort of surprised to hear that voice in my head.

I also went to a play reading last night and started being introduced to some local peeps. My friend Jason, from Mimis, directed the reading and was so lovely. He says he's got lots of suggestions for how I can connect to the city (though one of them was "take Joy's directing class at the Studio Theater" and I smiled politely while thinking "yeah RIGHT! I'd TEACH that class gladly, but take, NO WAY!").

And on to weight.
Now, I can't actually tell whether I will have lost 10 pounds from yesterday as I don't have a scale. But I know what it feels like to lose weight (also, there's probably a scale somewhere in this house, I'll figure it out). So my general plan is to do what I did in Sarasota: run/stretch/strength training monday through friday plus eat 1800 calories a day (with two or three times a month eating something delicious and highly caloric). here was yesterday as I didn't have time to start this blog then:

Sept 21
Ran: 30 minutes
Stretch: full routine (minus ballet legs on the floor)
Strength Training: 2 arms, 2 ab

food:
breakfast: 500 calories (ensure + cranberry juice and club soda)(no not in the same glass)
lunch: 280 (lean cuisine)
dinner: 450 (frozen mini pizza)
drink: 200 calories (I looked it up before I went out)
late meal: 350 calories (ensure shake)
day's total: 1780 calories :)

so far today I did the full workout and had a bowl of smart start cereal with 2% milk (320 calories total). I am going to deal with job stuff for awhile and then tonight I have been invited by the lovely couple that sold/gave me their mattress from Alexandria to go to another free play reading or I have been offered a spare ticket to see ZOMBIELAND. The only catch with the ZOMBIELAND ticket (which of course I can't wait to see!!) is that it's from Van who is making me a tad nervous that he wants to pick right back up where we left off 20 years ago which is not something I want (mostly because he's really suuuuuuuuuuper negative about everything he talks about).

we'll see.

pura vida!
jennifer