ghosts of boyfriends past

got this from Rob last night...

This will be a little disjointed. As i am starting this new year, I have been looking at the past one. There are somethings I would like forget. And some things if I don't adress, I will be doomed to repeat and I really do want to grow. So I am saying some of these things not to have you respond to them. I am simply saying them because they need to be said.

I am sorry I did not honor you or respect you in our relationship as you deserved. You surround yourself with people who are constantly open and greatful for the love that pours forth from you. I was blind to that and did not give you even a small part of what you so willingly gave and longed to have reciprocated. I'm sorry.

It brings me joy to know you are surrounded by happy loving people. I could go on but really just wanted to say that.

Thank you for all the love you gave.

And then I cried for awhile.

It always feels like a thunderstorm inside me to think about Rob. I miss him, I think about something I wish I could tell him or ask him to explain to me (or simply that I wish I could feel his calloused hand in mine) and my heart yearns for him. And then the other half of me starts screaming at me about all the horrific things he's done and how I could never trust him etc etc. And these two fronts create competing barometric pressures inside of me and I explode.

So it's just easier not to think about him.

but then he writes me and I remember that I will probably be in love with him for the rest of my life. Which is stupid, but so are republicans and they're just something I have to live with.

Still, can't stop thinking about this picture. One of my favorites of all time. We were just lying in bed talking and I held up my phone to take a picture of us, then at the last second he turned my face to him to kiss me and that was when the picture clicked...