avoiding sleep

I don't know why I'm avoiding sleep, it sounds so lovely...

So we all know I miss Rob. That I think about him all the time. That I ache and fold in half because I miss him and then I start screaming at myself in my head all the shitty things he did to me. It's a little like alternately filling a big metal container with freezing water then boiling water (and we know how good that is for the big metal container)... So we know this, right? Well, yesterday I see he has changed his profile picture on facebook and it's this closeup of his mouth. I stare at the picture for awhile and the caption reads "the deed is done" and I can't figure out what he's done to his mouth (the tooth is still missing). I stare (pause) and stare (pause), and then it hits me:
he shaved his goatee.
His razor sharp jack sparrow goatee that used to shred my upper lip so badly that not only my friends and colleagues used to tell me to tell him he had to shave it BUT MY FREAKING MANAGERS would tell me I had to tell my boyfriend to shave because my upper lip would break out in these horrific blisters (that sometimes permanently scarred me) for 2 weeks after he'd visit me.
Seven years.

SEVEN FUCKING YEARS!!!!!!!!! I asked him to please shave it. PLEASE. Not because I didn't think it was attractive (because I did) but because IT CAUSED ME PAIN AND SCARRED ME.

and did he do it?
yes.
two months AFTER I break up with him he finally shaves.

I seriously felt like I was going to throw up.
And I've been depressed and weepy ever since I saw the photo.
yesterday.

I can't figure this out. I can't figure out why I miss someone who lied to me all the time and who ignored me and in now way treated me like a decent person. I can't figure out why "love" to me (the love in movies and literature and music) means Rob.
I don't know what it says about me that I have feelings for someone so lost.

Some moments I have hope. This honestly is nothing like the horror I felt when Jaime left (of course, Jaime was a great boyfriend and left out of the blue) and I don't feel much of anything when I think about Jaime now. So maybe, if I keep throwing time at this, I'll stop caring about Rob.
On the other hand, I was in love with Jaime for 14 months before he left and we're going on 14 years at this point with Rob.
dear baby jesus do NOT tell me I have to wait 20 years to get over Rob.

ok, this isn't helping.
I'm going to turn the computer off.

I will say this:
I have been a vegan for 2 weeks (I'm proud of that)
my brother is snoring in the other room :)
my cat is asleep on the pillow next to me
I have wonderful friends and family

that'll have to do until I stop feeling so freaking crappy.

xo